(Disclaimer: This is a joke. ;)
Be prepared for the zombie apocalypse! It is predicted that on December 21st, 2012, society will crumble, the sky will explode with supernova stars, and the dead will rise from their graves. Therefore, you better be prepared to survive! That’s why we Scientists have put together a Zombie Survival Kit just for you! This manual will explain each component and suggest their uses.
First of all, you have to have something to hold your survival kit in. We recommend you contain your kit in a deceptive vessel--like a polka-dot purse, for example. Maybe even with a bow. No zombie would expect a self-respecting zombie fighter to hold their vital possessions in that sort of thing! Also, it would be helpful to put your intiials on it so you won’t get it confused with other kits if you happen across other humans (which, hopefully, you will).
When zombies are running through cities and are pretty much around every corner, you will notice a distinct change in the general aroma. In other words, it’s going to reek like, well, dead people. Include cologne or perfume in your kit, as it will give you a breath of sweeter-smelling air, which, trust us, you are going to appreciate. In addition, zombies hate anything that doesn’t reek like the dead, so it will distract them when you are engaged in combat.
THE WATER BOTTLE
It is quite possible that you will leave the urban areas and head for the wilderness. In fact, we recommend it. However, while you are roughing it out in the woods, you lack the luxury of running water. Water is important. Without it, you’d become easy zombie food within three days. (Of course, by then they might leave you alone. You’d be all dry and shriveled up, like beef jerky. They want the juicy flesh. But still.) This water bottle is a reserve hydration system for a time of such need.
THE FRUIT SNACKS
Like with the water, you will want to have a reserve energy system. Even though you can go longer without food than you can without water, it’s a good idea to have a “just in case” snack. Try to save it as long as you can—try eating herbs or the soft part of tree trunks first. Don’t try anything you can’t identify though, it could be poison. Or No-No Berries. Those are not good, even though they look delicious and red and sweet. Don’t eat them. Eat your fruit snacks.
THE GAUZE PAD
This is what you resort to when you need to treat a deep laceration. Don’t waste this on just any wound, save it for one you know you can’t heal any other way. Try leaves or moss first to help the clotting. The gauze pad isn’t exactly reusable, so use it wisely!
Do we really need to explain how to use band-aids?
Peel off the paper and put the thicker, white part over your boo-boo. Try to save them for real boo-boos though. They can also be used as adhesives in building tools or weapons.
Lastly, an important element of a zombie survival kit is a weapon, like an ax or butcher knife. Or crossbow. Whatever you use, just remember, a zombie is terminated through beheading.
Happy Zombie Hunting!